Our first son, Jack was born at 32 weeks on 23/1/04. Falling pregnant was a surprise for my husband James and me as I had a kidney transplant in 1998. The pregnancy ran smoothly for 28 weeks, though I was monitored very closely. At 28 weeks I was experiencing pain down one side and went into Royal Prince Alfred during the night for a check. It was quite a shock to be told that my blood pressure was 180/150, without the usual headache etc. More worryingly was the fact that my kidney was not coping well. I was admitted and put straight on a concoction of medication to bring the blood pressure down.

To the utter amasement of myself and James, Doctor's advised that our baby was to be born in the next couple of days. We could not believe that this was happening. Then commenced the flow of information from obstetricians, neantologists and neo natal nurses. A tour of the neo natal nursery and a booklet of the likely outcomes and problems associated with premature birth. I don't think that I have ever been as frightened and unprepared in my life.

To the amasement of the team at RPA, we did hold on for a full four weeks. Each day was like sitting an exam, to see what my kidneys would do and how my blood pressure would react. A few close calls where the Doctor's were ready to say this is it, and we would just scrape under their cut-off points. My world was centered on these results and I found visitors hard to deal with. I only had so much in reserve and I was concentrating all my being on what was going on at the hospital and with my husband.

Jack was born at 6.06pm on a Friday. He arrived in this world kicking and screaming and actually hasn't stopped. He was breathing unaided for his first night, however, ended up on CPAP for four days. He was seriously jaundiced and was very close to an exchange.

This being our first child, we had nothing to compare him to which made it a little easier as is size was not such a shock. He was born at 1506 grams. I thought he was the most beautiful little thing ever born. I would sit for hours just staring at him. I was quite content to sit beside his incubator or cot and just be there, even if I wasn't doing anything.

Looking back on the experience now, I realise that his recovery was fairly good, he did get an infection and there were good and bad days, however it was never touch and go. Of course, to us every turn was a huge emotional event and it's a surprise looking back that we kept it together. One of the many lessons learned through this was that pain and stress is very relative and I hope through the counseling I can help parents no matter what their concerns or particular experience is.

Jack was transferred to Nepean after 3 weeks at RPA. Most of the acute care was at RPA, which I am eternally grateful for. At Nepean, it was more about putting on the weight and establishing breast feeding. However, there were a few setbacks that resulted in Jack having to go on oxygen. I am equally grateful to Nepean. Jack was very difficult to feed, a poor suckling reflex, this was a very emotional time. Finally I was at the stage where I could be very involved and it wouldn't work. The nursing staff was very patient and kind to me.

Finally after 6 weeks our baby boy came home weighing a whopping 2.5kilo's.

We have been blessed with Jack, he is energetic, bright, and talkative and has caught up well that I no longer feel any need to correct his age or explain his circumstances. I look at him everyday and think that he is a wonderful gift. His stubbornness and fight is resulting in a "terrible two's" tantrum marathon, however, how can I complain, it was these very same personality traits that led him to get to this stage.

Fifteen months later and we were expecting again. This pregnancy was a much different experience. I was monitored even more closely. However, it was my own feelings, I was so scared every step of the way. Obviously with my medical history, the chances were that I would have another premature baby. I counted weeks, days and hours, striving to get this new little being to a safe stage. I swayed between feelings of guilt for being pregnant again, being positive when I had good weeks and pure terror when a result came back bad.

All ran smoothly, however at 29 weeks scans were showing that there was restricted flow between the placenta and the baby. In contrast to my pregnancy with Jack, I was well; however the baby was at risk.

I was admitted to hospital (again at RPA) and monitored. This was extremely hard as I had Jack at home. Thankfully my mum could take him to her work and my poor husband would take over in the evenings.

After a few days even the Doctors were feeling optimistic that I might last a little longer. However a routine monitoring of the baby showed that things had worsened.

On Wednesday the 7th December, on my 30th birthday Daniel was born at 30 weeks. He was born weighing 1306grams (exactly 200grams) under Jack. This night was the longest night of my life. Daniel was on a ventilator and the Doctor's worked until 4am to stabilise him. As opposed to Jack, I couldn't hold him or touch him that first night. We didn't even phone anyone until the next morning. Without actually saying the words, I think we both knew how dangerous this first night was.

Daniel had a long recovery; he was ventilated for 4 days, on CPAP for 23 days and was still requiring oxygen until 38 weeks. The poor little thing had been through so much in the early days that any contact at first would result in his saturation levels dropping.

However, having been through a premature birth previously, we were able to handle this lack of contact a lot better. We could see light at the end of the tunnel.

I commuted between RPA and home (Cranebrook), staying one night at each up until Daniel was transferred to Nepean (34 weeks). James tried to fit in visits in lunch hours and on the evenings that I was home with Jack.

Even though Daniel's problems were a lot more serious than Jack, his recovery was a little step forward everyday. We didn't have the same high and lows of Jacks recovery. It was worrying that he wasn't coming off the oxygen, as most Doctor's felt he should have come off earlier. At 38 weeks he did and we were set to come home.

The day before he was due to come home, he was given his two month immunisation. 21hrs later he stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. I walked in about 5 minutes later to see our little boy a blue/yellow colour and very listless. The impact of this was horrifying, after having come through 8 weeks of recovery, feeling confident, ready to go home, Daniel was not as invincible as we thought. The episode was attributed to the immunisation as none of the tests could show any other reason. 4 days later Daniel did come home, however we invested in a breathing monitor for our peace of minds.

Daniel is now almost 7 months old, with a corrected age of 4.5 months. He is going great, has a healthy weight gain and is tracking well with his corrected age. His personality grows stronger every day. He has a placid, but at the same time stubborn nature (refuses to take his milk from a bottle without a prolonged fight).

We have been truly blessed with our two boys and we are forever grateful to both the teams at RPA and Nepean for their care.

I look forward to my involvement in Nnicups and to meeting other members of the group.